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October 31 I've Got CandyHey, hey you!!! Come over here and tell me what you think.
Please do not stop by if you are proposing marriage or some other business. I'm not interested.
I'm still fixing the place up, but it might be a keeper. Things are just getting a little weird around here.
KM
***Note: Antonella asked and so I will answer: You do not have to be a member to leave a message on my blog--you just need to Click the button next to the word Other or anonymous. It's right under the word verification thingy***
October 28 She PuntsWhat She Wore: Grey t-shirt from my old school; blue jean capris; black, strappy sandals. I had on something much cuter, but I just wasn't feeling it--some days the post-baby bulge just gets to you.
Well. . . I've not run into the sorority girl again, so that's been put off. In the meantime, another girl that I know e-mailed me about a playdate. I'm sure she's at least partly aware of Charlie's medical issues, so I said yes being sure to mention that he is behind other kids his age. So, I punted for now. I'm doing the whole playdate thing--I'm just taking it slow.
And, just because I'm a dork, here's my boy looking super-cute:
KM
PS: I have been getting a LOT more traffic on my blog--and a lot more friend requests from strange men. Is my blog being listed somewhere or something??? October 26 How to Go About ItWhat She Wore: navy blue shirt with black velvet accents, slightly capped sleeves, and a v-neck--it's kind of hard to describe, actually, but really cute; blue jeans, black strappy sandals.
Yesterday, against my better judgement, I went to a wine and cheese party for alumna of my college sorority. I was never an uber-sorority girl, so the whole thing sort of reeked of awkwardness. In the end, I found myself having a good time, mingling with some people who are my age and interesting, and generally participating in adult conversation.
Only one little problem.
Ineveitably it will come up that I have a son named Charlie who was born in June.
I don't want to get into the whole freakin' saga with some women I just met--I was supposed to be enjoying myself, not going to group therapy. So, I glossed over the situation, just mentioning that he'd spent some time in the hospital because he had a bad heart. I left out the life support/stroke/doctors told us he was brain dead/calling the minister/doctors were wrong/feeding tube/hydrocephalus/shunt/bad eye sight part. That kind of stuff tends to bring a party down.
There was another girl there who'd just had her teeny, tiny perfect bundle in July. Those of you who have kids can see where this is going. . .
"We should have a playdate!" All smiles and excitement.
[Insert four letter word beginning with S here]
She's making a career change towards education and had some bitchin' shoes on, so I'm sure we'd get along. It would be perfect if the circumstances were only slightly different, and she, of course, is completely excited--and why shouldn't she be? So the question is. . .
How do I go about this? Avoidance? Brutal honesty? Somewhere in between? And what about the next time? I'm not sure hermiting myself from the rest of the child-bearing universe is the way to go. Even if Charlie is behind developmentally, having him around other children would probably be good for him. Actually, there's even research to suggest that this is true. I'm going to have to get the hell over it eventually.
But how, exactly?
KM October 24 My plansWhat Whe Wore: black, pin-tucked, short-sleeve shirt with some kind of collar (I'm going to have to look it up); olive green, wide-leg capris; black, strappy sandals.
Well, someone asked a while ago, so I thought I'd share my plans with regards to my career/school/etc.
I've decided that in the long-run I definitely want to be in-charge in a school setting. I have specific ideas about what makes a school work, and I'd love a chance to share them with others or use them myself. This is, however, a long-term goal. Short-term, I think that being a regular classroom teacher would be better for a girl with a family. In a dream world, I'd get my Master's Degree at the University of New Orleans in Urban Studies. The degree as listed is very flexible, and I'd love to focus on urban schools, specifically what works with regards to discipline, leadership, and whether certain types of Charter schools are more successful in the urban enviroment. I have no idea whether or they'd actually let me do this--right now it's just a pipe dream.
Pipe dream or no, it's my dream, but one that I'd like to devote myself to completely. Right now, I'm not quite ready to do that, so I'm sticking it on the shelf for the time being.
In it's place, I'm inserting a more frivilous interest. I'm taking a drawing class. Me. Drawing.
I haven't done it since high school, so this will be interesting. I'm going to have to enroll at the local community college, and quite frankly, the entrace requirement have got me giggling a bit. Since I have not taken an English or Math class in the last three years, I will be required to take an aptitude test in English, Reading, and Math. I've taught Reading, Math, and English in the last three years, so I'm not really worried about it--just entertained, really.
I'm also hatching another plot to make a little pocket change and keep teaching is a sense. . .but I'll save that for my next blog.
KM October 22 DemonsWhat She Wore: Black and white houndshooth blouse with short sleeve and a petite ruffle down the front (not like a pirate, I promise); black capris; black and white houndshooth flats. The Hub took me out for a real dinner! I got to wear adult clothes! Alert the freakin' media.
Tonight at dinner my fortune read, "try to channel excess energies into rejuvenation."
I couldn't have put it better myself.
Somehow, I have to figure out this new direction that life has taken me. I have to stop obsessing over Charlie's development--whatever will be will be, as they say. Stressing myself out over it will not change a thing. I am doing everything I can to help him, and I have to give myself permission to accept that. I have to allow myself to love my son without trying to "fix" him or worrying about what other people will think.
Objectively, I am very hopeful. His limbs all move, he loves music and giggles at his daddy's antics, he's working very hard to get his head under control, and he's an accompished thumb sucker. He's a little charmer who can have brain surgery and smile the next day. He wows the nurses that work with him because of his laid-back demeanor, and, in my unbiased opinion, he's a real cutie.
It can be hard to be objective, though. Hard not to wish for a crystal ball that will show be the future. Hard not to feel like I failed my child at the starting gate.
And especially hard to know where I fit in now that I've shed my identity as "teacher."
I feel certain that I will figure it out, but it's going to take some time. As cliche as it sounds, I'm going to volunteer, try new recipes, decorate my new home (on a teeny budget), and try to figure out this new version of me--whoever that is. I'm going to rejuvinate or maybe even re-invent the girl I used to know. Wish me luck!
KM
PS: Anyone else notice how Spaces now lets us inbed our photos? I've been having a little too much fun with that feature. October 20 Nurse MeanieWhat She Wore: you know what? I'm not telling you. It's been kind of crazy around here, and I look like crap--just imagine me in something fabulous.
Ok, so everyone wants to know why the nurse yelled at my mother. It takes a little explaining, but suffice to say it made an already stressful day a whole lot worse--and isn't that what healthcare professionals are for?
I should back up and say that the nurse was a male ICU nurse. Charlie was not in ICU; he was in a recovery unit. For the uninitiated, ICU is for those in critical condition and recovery units are for people who should be healing nicely, but need to be monitored in some way. Charlie was receiving mega-doses of intraveneous anti-biotics to help stave off any infections. The other main difference between ICU and a recovery unit is the amount of responsibility placed on the nurses. In ICU, the nurses are responsible for everything and parents are just visitors. In recovery units, parents handle things like feedings and diaper changes, and sometimes even the administration of oral medications.
Well, Charlie had an IV in his ankle of all places. Every time he flexed his foot it would mess with the IV. He had little pricks all over his hands, wrists, and feet, so I know they tried to find a better place, but it can be hard on a little guy like him.
In the middle of the night Charlie started to fuss, so my mother got up to feed him. I had BEGGED my mother to stay with me because I hate staying in the hospital by myself. After she fed him, he began pumping his legs up and down like he had gas, so my mom picked him up to burp him. At this point, she realizes that the bed is all wet. She calls the nurse in to show him. Apparently, the IV had come out and Charlie's antibiotics were being pumped into the bed linens rather than his veins.
He turns to my mother and says, "That's why we don't pick them up."
Never mind that the IV should be taped down to prevent that kind of crap.
Never mind that an IV in a baby's ankle is a horrible idea.
Never mind that no one told me not to pick up MY OWN CHILD.
Never mind that we were already stressed out and last thing we need is some nurse yelling at us.
Never mind that yelling at her would not, in fact, magically get the IV back into his body.
My mom burst into tears and hid in the bathroom from the nurse until he left. She then called my dad to pick her up at around three in the morning.
Add to this the fact that the nurse shushed me when I was talking and I was hopping mad. Lucky for the nurse, I was more tired than mad.
Still. . . the last thing I needed was all that drama.
Sigh.
KM
October 18 Home AgainWhat She Wore: Wide-leg blue jean capris; my ubiquitous black strappy sandals; t-shirt from Florida that I got when I was about fourteen--it's one of my favorites.
We've just returned from the hospital. Charlie is sleeping in his vibrating chair next to me. He required morphine the day of surgery and then just tylenol yesterday. Today, he's had no pain killers at all--kids are so tough! Now that the pressure has been relieved, his soft spot has become a soft trough. Follow-up scans reveal good placement, so we're looking pretty good so far. We'll be back in six weeks to see if his ventricles have begun to shrunk. My mother-in-law conveniently had some random school holiday come up, so she was able to stay with me in the hospital and help out. All and all, I'd say the experience wasnt' bad as far as hospital stays go. For now, we just watch and pray that there are no unexpected complications.
Thank you so much for the well-wishes and prayers. I am always so grateful.
KM
PS: Sitting around the room gave me some great ideas for blogs: my MIL's cat, the role of the stay-at-home mom, and the mean nurse who yelled at my mom. Let's see if I can't get them all down on paper. October 15 Quick!Real Quick: surgery is scheduled for tomorrow at 11:00--from what I can tell, it will last around two hours and will involve an incision in his head behind his ear and an incision in his abdomen. Pray pray pray if you're that kind of person--it's free and it helps more than you know.
He will have a bump behind his ear permanently--you won't be able to see it when his hair grows in, but in the meantime I may be investing in some hats!
KM October 13 So RandomWhat She Wore: What I was wearing when I last posted five hours ago.
You know what sucks? Amanda Bynes becoming main-stream famous. I always wanted her to play me in the movie of my life--NOT because we look alike--because we don't, but because she is one of the few actresses that can do goof-ball. Now she's all popular and she will NEVER play me in my movie. Note: said movie is imaginary, and I know it, but still. . .
Who's playing you in your movie?
KM Half BlogWhat She Wore: blue jean capris; white tee; red, short-sleeve jacket with white polka dots; red canvas flats with a peep-toe and a bow.
I don't think I've written a blog here that I'm really happy with in a long time. My favorite entries are always the ones that feel real--that capture how I'm feeling. The thing is, how I'm feeling is all over the place. I can be completely joyful about finding that perfect house, and then break down into tears when Charlie needs surgery. I'm lost in medical jargon and don't always know which end is up. I get a new haircut and feel like a million bucks. I'm grateful to be home with Charlie, but miss my job like crazy. I rediscover an old friends and get all fired up. I see someone out with their "normal" children and get angry. I feel as if I have endless possibilities and am worried that my son will be so limited in his.
I don't know which end is up. I wish I could get it all out in a way that makes sense.
I guess this will have to do.
KM
PS: Still not sure when surgery will be--Tue or Friday--our preference is Friday, but we'll see if the surgeon is willing. October 10 Can't Have it AllWhat Whe Wore: Wide-let denim capris; black strappy sandals, a very strange (but cute) shirt with a share neckline, a loose cut and multi-colored stripes. It's hard to describe.
Provided I can get the freaking bank people to call me back, the house is ours. I am over the moon about this and have images of a white picket fence and a seasonal flag flying out front. I feel incredibly blessed, and promise to post a picture soon. Unfortunately, we also heard today that Charlie will be having shunt surgery. The doctor feels that it would best protect him from having any further brain damage. I am no happy, but after everything we've been through I'm trying to focus on the positive. He'll have two days to recover in the hospital and that's it. I being really positive, but I'm also asking that anyone who prays to go ahead and put us on their list--they've helped us so much in the past. You might now be able to have it all--but I don't feel like it's the end of the world either. I've cried some tears, but mainly because I don't want my little guy to hurt. In the end, I will cling to the faith that has gotten me this far. KM October 09 Could it Be?What She Wore: black running pants; LSU t-shirt; black strappy sandals. I've gotten about eight hours sleep in two days and I am looking rough, rough, rough. Babies with colds are NO fun.
The Hub and I are officially playing Real Estate Roulette. We picked a house, and have now made a low-ball offer. We crunched the numbers and things will be super-tight thanks to our new addition and his doctor bills, but we can manage to buy a house exactly where we want--provided they counter in a certain range. So now we wait--will the house be ours? Let's hope so. KM October 07 What To Say?What She Wore: Black, pin-tucked, short-sleeve shirt with a mandarin collar; dark blue jean capris; houndshooth flats. I am loving these little flats I tell ya.
Well, I am experimenting with some other sites, but I'll let you know if make a real move. Honestly, I like the simplicity that you get other places, but I do think that Spaces Live has a commenting community that you don't find other places. In a lot of ways I'm a complete comment whore, so I'm not sure how I'd feel about that.
I'm really not sure what to say here. The Hub and I may have found a house. Smaller and older than our last house, and more expensive. Sigh. That's what happens when you move to a bigger metropolitan area. I've been crunching the numbers and our little Bino in making our choices slim. I'm quite excited about this place, though, so keep your fingers crossed. It's in a cute area, has a big front porch and a nice back yard, is well-maintained for it's age, and it has the oh-so-important detail: a big enough kitchen. The Hub likes to cook, and I like to entertain, so this is a must--it's an older kitchen, but all that matters is basic size and layout. This kitchen has exactly what we want with both.
I took the Bino to the nuerologist last week and it didn't ruin my entire weekend. Yay. The doctor found Charlie to be a little tight, but didn't recommend any interventions other than the physical/occupational therapy that we've already applied for. She was pleased to see how well he opened and closed his hands since this is often a problem for kids who have had head injuries. As I have mentioned before, I have been VERY worried about Charlie's vision, and I told her so. Next week is our official opthamologist appointment, but the nuerologist seemed to think that his visual processing is fine, and that he is having a muscular problem keeping his eyes together--this forces him to pick an eye to look with. She's the second one to voice this opinion, so I'm starting to think that's probably the issue. That makes me pretty happy since that's a relatively minor surgical fix (out-patient, baby!).
Next week we see the opthamologist for her opinion, and also the nuerosurgeon to see if pressure seems to be building in the little man's head. I've been feeling his soft spot every day, and it seems a lot softer, so I'm getting hopeful that we won't need surgical intervention for his brain. I'm thinking that I may be able to avoid the mud hut, but if Friday finds me ranting about needing a drink then you'll know I heard something I didn't want to. Nonetheless, I feel hopeful and he continues to amaze me. This weekend he would spend hours cooing--like he was having a conversation with you. He also has DEFINITE opinions about music--the Leapfrog stuff that I think sounds sappy totally rocks his world. End result? Mommy went out and bought a Leapfrog toy that sings a bunch of songs. I'm a sucker for that kid--a complete sucker.
Hope your weekend went well.
KM October 03 I'm taking requestsWhat She Wore: Black, scoop-neck tee; jean capris with a dark wash; black and white houndshooth flats. I’m wearing them! They’re just too cute not to wear.
Well, someone asked for funny story, so here goes–embarassing, but true. Not long after I had the baby, my mom and I decided to pick up Chili’s to go. I didn’t want to go through the drama of getting him out of the car, so I dropped my mom off and waited at the curb. While I was waiting, I decided I didn’t like the song on the radio, so I hit another button. The same song came on. I hit another button, and it was the same song again. I realize that my mom must have put in a CD, so I hit the FM button, and still. . . the same song. At this point I’m getting a little freaked out–I’m wondering what the hell my mom did to the radio. I’m punching buttons left and right and still the same damn song keeps playing. Finally, I just reach over and turn the radio off completely.
But the song kept playing.
It was as if my car was haunted–I was really starting to lose it. And then I realized that the windows were down. And the music in my car? Chili’s music blaring from the restaurant–drowning out my own radio. Sometimes, I wonder if there is actually a brain up there. KM October 01 Opinions pleaseWhat She Wore: black and white-striped collared shirt (kind of like a prisoner, but cute); my oldest, most favorite pair of Levis jeans, black strappy sandals.
Since I don't live in Little Rock any more, I've considered getting a new blog. I tried out one once, but just ended up back here. I do think that there are other blogs out there that would allow me to imbed pictures more easily and things like that. Many blogs also allow more people to leave comments ( could be a bad thing). Tell me what you think--should I be looking for a new blog-home? If you're one of those people who reads and can't comment, send me an e-mail: barnyardmama at gmail dot com. KM September 27 TryoutsWhat She Wore: olive green wide-leg capris (I'd call 'em gauchos, but that word tends to get people all riled up); white, scoop-neck tee, black strappy sandals.
I considered a lot of titles for this blog.
It could have been "Katy Falls for Money Pitt." I did fall for a money pitt--a precious, 1600 square-foot cottage on a huge lot that needed quite a bit of updating--but my husband was not so impressed. He says he can't think about these things until after he takes his professional engineers liscense. At the rate we're going, I'm going to be living with my mother-in-law forever.
It could have been "The Child Who Never Sleeps." Seriously. My child is awake for most of the day. He's got more stamina than I do. When I'm thinking how bout a nap?, he's thinking party time!
I considered "Bringing Sexy Back." Scratched that one--not even a little original. I do need to exercise though. I'm done growing a human, and it's time to start looking like it. Losing ten pounds is not so easy when you go out to lunch ALL THE TIME. What else am I going to do? If I take the baby to visit my mom and dad, they always want to go eat. And when I visit my grandpa too. Or my brother. Crap. This is why I'm so fat.
I almost went with "Shoes Make Everything Better." This is the last month where my husband gets his chunky, Air Force pay checks, so I figured I better go out and enjoy the dough while we've still got it. Shoes, shoes, shoes! Scrunchie boots, animal print heels, and a pair of flats that I'm not so sure about. I really like them, but flats always seem to end up sitting on the shelf.
I decided to settle for "I May Not Be Rich." I may not be rich in money, but I sure am rich in friends. A college buddy of mine, who's a physical therapist, e-mailed her friend who's pediatric physical therapist in another parish. Viola! I will be recieving a fax of appropriate exercises to do with the boy. Take that, Universe.
KM
September 25 Better DaysWhat She Wore: blue jean capris (I went and bought some new pants today, so maybe I can mix this up a little); yellow, polo-style shirt with purple stripes; black strappy sandals.
I met with the early intervention coordinator on Monday to discuss the results of Charlie's evaluation and create a plan for future therapies. I felt pretty good when we were done. Charlie is mostly within normal ranges. Actually, he's below the mean, but normal in everything but Gross Motor. I looked over the goals for gross motor, and I think he's already progressed since the goals were developed three weeks ago. One goal is for him to roll from his side to his back--he already does that! In fact, he also rolls from his back to his side. Head is still wobbly as all get out, but we're working on that. He's was also slightly above average in social--that's my little butterfly--charming the pants off the examiner.
Here's something crappy, though. The examiner recommended Physical therapy once a week. Only problem? No available physical therapists. We'll have to wait until there's an opening. Right now they think they can get us an occupational therapist twice a month. If we qualified for Medicaid, he could go to the local hospital for physical therapy, but we make too much money. What kind of crap is that? My husband works hard and makes money and get WORSE health care than people who don't make any money at all? I told him we should get a divorce and then Charlie would qualify.
In the mean time, he also qualified for vision therapy although the examiner expressed her belief that his eye problems have more to do with his muscles and less to do with what he can actually see. Yay!!! Many of those types of problems are easily corrected with laser surgery. In fact, just yesterday he looked right at me when I was on his bad side. I'm including a picture below.
Later this week I'll update you on my crazy shoe shopping, and other fun stuff.
KM
PS: You may also notice that this bath-time boy is feeding tube free! September 22 UghWhat She Wore: Blue jean capris with a dark wash (I'm mixin it up); black, short sleeve top with a mandarin collar; black strappy sandals.
Dare I ask people to pray again? Today I am fed up with hospitals, and medicine, and doctors in general. I am, in fact, ready to move off the grid, live in a mud hut, and only give my child herbs.
Yesterday we went to visit nuerosurgery. Charlie's ventricles seem to be continuing to enlarge. At this time, there is NO need for a shunt, but we'll be back in a month for a follow-up CT scan and a consult.
This wouldn't be such a blow if Charlie didn't seem to be doing so much better. He is TRYING to pick up his head, he's smiling, he's having more visual connections, I've seen him swiping at his picture books. The other day I even thought he was going to laugh. He also eating up a STORM. All this just doesn't jive with the idea that we could be heading for brain surgery. My only hope is this: Charlie is three and a half months old. Most kids, if they aren't shunted by age five months, never end up requiring a shunt. So, you know where my prayers are headed this weekend.
KM September 20 Too Much TimeWhat She Wore: Blue Jean capris (what else?); peach, scoop-neck tee, beaded gold flip flops.
Last night I couldn't sleep, and somehow, I ended up on Myspace for about a million hours. Seeing all those people whose names I can't remember really got me thinking. Thinking about my Catholic high school at 1 am is a dangerous thing. Here's what I came up with:
Why are so many people that I know lawyers?
I must be the only person I know who hasn't been to Grad school--well, I've been, but finished? Nope.
We all looked like crap in high school. I think we knew that, but there were no boys around, so nobody cared.
That girl you thought was a lesbian? She is.
That girl you never thought was a lesbian? Her too.
Everyone I have ever known likes the Shop-a-holic books--and I haven't read one of them.
The girls I barely talked to in high school seem to be the most interesting now--not that it isn't totally great that ole-so-and-so is a doctor/lawyer/pharmacist and has a nice house and a baby, but the intesting ones are the ones who moved to France, profess a great love of Literature, or write their own music. Everyone else's lives look boring compared to those.
Who the hell wants to be a lawyer anyway?
KM September 17 Buh Bye!What She Wore: Grey t-shirt, blue jean capris, brown strappy wedges. Charlie's wearing this yellow outfit with monkeys on it. The nurse complimented it. I do NOT like going places with people who are dressed better than I am.
It's official. Charlie's feeding tube was removed today in a matter of five minutes. The doctor asked if I wanted to keep it for his baby book. That would be a no.
His eye sight seems a little better too. The doctor said there's a possibility it could self-correct. Here's hoping!!!!
KM |
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